Dichroic Reflections

not silenced but improving

I'm a bit better today, though I still start coughing if I talk too much. It's been very interesting, actually, especially the end of last week when I had no voice at all or very little. It was frustrating not to be able to talk, the more so because I was in a country where English is a second language and so communication in both directions was impaired. That is, I couldn't read all the signs, and though most people in the Netherlands can speak English, since it's their second language they can't always express themselves with complete fluency. Plus I felt a little embarassed at the imbalance of effort, that they have to make all the accomodations for me because I can't speak the language in which they're most comfortable.

It had me thinking about the fairy tale about the seven swans, the one where seven brothers were turned into swans and their sister could not cry out of speak until she had sewn a shirt of nettles for each one. That was more appropriate as my voice came back and I could speak but knew I shouldn't for fear of making things worse again. Not to be able to communicate verbally for a couple of days was annoying, especially since it was a time when I had a lot to tell Rudder. I can't imagine being silent for years, when the constraint was self-imposed rather than physical. And yet it's not a totally improbable situation, just an exagerrated one. People silence themselves all the time on a particular topic or in a particular company, out of fear or shame or disgust or the feeling that no one's listening anyway. Most people have some topics they won't discuss, just for reasons of basic privacy or reticence. Other than those, I tend not to silence myself on any issue I care about, but in my case, I think it has less to do with bravery and more with lack of having the self-discipline to shut up.

On the food front, things are improving. Where two days ago lunch was half a bowl of soup and dinner was a banana, yesterday I had an actual dinner - a small chicken filet and two spears of asparagus - and today's lunch was half a quesadilla. I've been eating whatever on the theory that any calories were better than none, but I think it's probably time to go back to avoiding empty calories again (she said, finishing her Coke). And my weight's gone up a whole pound and a half. I'm right where I started a couple of years ago, which means I wouldn't mind keeping it here but even better would probably be to add on a few more pounds of muscle. Now I have a window to do so without risking my lightweight status.