I've coincidentally been coming across a few FTM tranny diaries lately. The whole idea of transexuality makes me a bit uncomfortable in some ways, though I don't think they're the usual ways. It's not a squick factor even; in my case the issue is more about annoyance with gender expectations than with any of the physical aspects. I know exactly why it bugs me; from some perspectives, large fractions of my life can be seen as a rebellion against traditional gender roles. The fact that they didn't feel that way at the time is a gift of the times in which I was born rather than a reflection of my choices.
I mean, look at me. I'm an engineer; a pilot; a rower and weightlifter; an outspoken person, in both speech and writing. I'm neither modest nor demure, and tact is not natural to me. I don't blowdry my hair; comfort is a major fact in my clothing choice. I am an equal partner in my marriage and wouldn't stand for anything else. I am perfectly competent to earn a living, buy a car, wire a light fixture, cut down a tree. (Every time I get to thinking about it, I am thrilled that I am not especially unusual in being able to do these traditionally male things.)
On the other hand, if you were to look at me, "female" would be one of the first things you'd notice. I enjoy being a girl woman. I wear skirts and sometimes heels. My hair is long. I wear earrings. I don't see anything contradictory about all these things: they're just me.
What bothers me about the idea of changing sex is that fear that someone might be so trapped in a gender role that they needed to have major surgury and permanent chemical changes in order to escape that externally-imposed idea. I once read an article quoting an FTM who had boasted, "My new girlfriend expects me to be the strong one," and my immediate response was, "Why? Why couldn't you just be a strong woman? Or even a strong woman with a girlfriend?" On the other hand I've also read of people who had just always felt that their bodies were somehow wrong, that the physcial object didn't match the self-image, and that's such a subjective internal thing that it can't be argued with.
It's easy for me to sympathize with those who identify as of gender "other" in order to be free of imposed roles. I can at least intellectually understand the person who makes major changes because hir body just always felt wrong, especially in the case of someone who has thought it all out carefully and has felt the same way for years. More power to them, for being able to be the way they want. (I worry about someone who wants to change gender who is at the age where many people hate themselves and their bodies and just want everything to be different, somehow, anyhow.) I do hope the people making the transition now are doing it for internal reasons, and not just because someone has convinced them that gender must determine how you act or look or love. I hope that's not it. If it is, it scares me. Too many people are fighting too hard for the right to have our choices less limited by whether we were dealt an 'X' or a 'Y', and for me, losing those battles is unthinkable.
Posted by dichroic at May 11, 2005 01:23 PM
I pretty well agree with your line of thinking, and hope that people don't decide to make changes becauses of the expectations of others or their off the wall judgements of, "You should be."
I think there are male characteristics in females and female charcteristics in males. And some characteristics that have been long classified as being male or female can easily be the other or both. Crazy mixed up world, seems as if many of us want desperately to be something else.
I’m sorry the “whole idea of transexuality makes [you] a bit uncomfortable” … as I read further, I see that you have identified your discomfort as stemming from the “fear that someone might be so trapped in a gender role that they needed to have major surgery”
I suspect that I might be the author of one of the FTM diaries you’ve been coming across lately … I’m writing this to try to reassure you that being trapped in a gender role is not my sense of the primary motivation behind transition, at least on the FTM side … I can with greatest confidence speak for myself, so I’ll start with that
I’m 60 years old … like yourself, I never let myself be bound by the conventional female role … I’ve spent my life as an apparent lesbian, completely disregarding gender expectations … to this end I’ve raced motorcycles, been a software engineer, weightlifter, managed software development for a (at the time) major PC computer manufacturer, participated in the building of my house by doing plumbing, electrical wiring, flooring and even putting up some of the studs … and loved my share of women … so why, at 60 would I feel like I needed to change my sex?
the short answer is it’s all about body image and not being able to see myself in the mirror … it’s about wanting to be comfortable in my physical body … especially, it’s about wanting to feel completely comfortable with my body in a sexual context … it’s about looking down at myself in the shower and having that overwhelming sense of recognition, that now, it finally looks right
yes, there are other perks … I get to be seen by others how I am most comfortable seeing myself … my brain is wired male … now when I act male, it becomes no longer incongruous
before I had the surgery, I had the sense that it would be the right thing for me … my fear, of course, was that I was being lured by the promise of finally fitting gender expectations, of finally fitting in … but as my surgery date got closer and closer, I could see that in the final analysis, this was a complete and total leap of faith, faith that I knew myself and who I was … my only choice was to trust myself, because I would only really know after it was a done deal … very scary
well, the happy ending is that after the surgery, when I looked down at myself for the first time, despite 47 years of seeing it the OTHER (female) way, it finally looked like my body … I don’t think it’s something I can explain to someone who’s never experienced gender mismatch … you guys take gender for granted; it doesn’t even occur to you to question it … for me, my choice gets reaffirmed now every time I take my clothes off … there’s this overwhelming sense of rightness that feels so good I could almost cry
my end result actually brings me more out of line with gender role expectations than before … as a man, I lean towards the feminine side, to where I’m often mistaken for gay now and gender role variance in men is less easily tolerated … but it’s ok, I’m still not trapped by gender roles and I feel free enough of them to be as feminine as I wanna be
my best understanding of transexuality is that our brains are wired for gender, normally agreeing with the sex of our physical body … sometimes, it’s mismatched … my biggest reasons for believing this is I’ve read a number of intersex accounts where the surgeon decides to assign the female sex at birth (because it’s easier to make a “hole than a pole”) and the person, although raised female, grows up with a male brain and cannot be reconciled with the surgeon’s choice
as I read more and more FTM journals and posts, I see the underlying thread of commonality – the desire to embody what the brain believes true of oneself … how else do you explain the one-third of FTM’s who are hetero-sexual before transition and gay afterwards … by no stretch of the imagination can this possibly be construed as an effort to escape the restrictions of gender role
I suspect that, as you fear, there may indeed be some that are seeking to trans-cend the confines of inappropriate gender role ... this is the price we pay for living in a bi-gendered society … the good news is the genderqueer movement … to the degree that it is successful in wiping out gender role restrictions, we should see very much less of this as time goes by …. meanwhile, we have the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care which seek to mitigate regretful outcomes by requiring a year living in the preferred gender and a letter from a therapist before top surgery is permitted … FTM lore has it that the only situations where reversals were requested was where the SOC were circumvented by going to a third world country for the operations … so even those who are simply seeking a less confining gender role are, for the most part, happy with their choice … who are we to be critical of (or uncomfortable with) them? … that would be to blame the victim, not the perp
so, I’ve written a lot … what do you think about what I’ve said ??
- dan
What I think? First of all I should make it clear that I don't think what I think really matters or should matter: it's not my body. The only impact my opinion ought to have on others is if it persuades people to take stock of their reasons for making a major irreversible change, to be sure this is really what they want.
That said, I'll address some of your points. I wasn't trying to say nobody should become a transsexual, just that, like other major life changes, it ought to be done for internal rather than external reasons. I'm glad to hear about the SoC: I think it's a very, very good idea. And the fact that people do go through with the change after pondering it for a year says this really is the right choice for some people. But given that it does have to be a leap of faith, as you say, I think it's really important to be sure it's what you want. (Matches my opinion on having children: you can't know what it will be like, so you ought to at least be sure it's what you want.)
I can't emotionally understand the idea of having your body feel like it's the wrong gender. I can understand it intellectually, but as you say, it's probably not something you can really expain. Here's the closest I can come: do you remember the bit in The Saturdays, by Elizabeth Enright, (a kids' book, if you haven't read it) where Mona catches sight of herself in a shop window and is "astonished by how much shorter and fatter she is than she thinks of herself as being"? I think that's pretty universal: many of us think of ourselves as taller or shorter, prettier or uglier, stronger or weaker. It's not such a jump from there to imagine thinking of yourself in a way even more different than the external fact, and it's easy to see that it would be more traumatic, the further you are from your body image.
I think the only place I disagree with you is when you say, "Who are we to be critical of (or uncomfortable with) them?" "Who" is another person as entitled to an opinion as anoyone else. I don't think I should have the right to tell people what to do or what not to do, but I do have dominion over my own reactions. Taking it back to the original argument, to criticize may be a choice, but to be uncomfortable is an emotional reaction. I can no more tell someone not to feel uncomfortable .... than I could tell them not to feel male or female.
Oh, and by the way, congratulations.
Posted by: dichroic at May 12, 2005 09:49 AMthanks for the reply and the congrats!
I was pleased that the only point of contention is your apparent desire to hang on to your discomfort … I find this somewhat strange in that when I’m uncomfortable, the feeling is, well, uncomfortable … I want to alleviate my discomfort and I am well pleased if someone else makes the effort to assist me in this endeavor … that was my motivation … when I read in your original piece that the “whole idea of transexuality makes [you] a bit uncomfortable”, I wanted to attempt to ease your discomfort
so if I understand correctly, that you only take exception to my statement, "Who are we to be critical of (or uncomfortable with) them?" means you agree that most FTMS are internally driven and that the ones who are not, are victims of society’s intolerance of gender variance … but it seems strange to feel uncomfortable with the “whole idea of transexuality” when only a small minority are externally driven … does it make sense to be uncomfortable with the whole idea of manhood, just because some men have raped, pillaged and burned? … and it seems misplaced to take issue with transsexuality when you agree that society is the perp here
I inferred from the last few sentences of your original piece that your discomfort was based on the premise that transsexuals felt trapped in a gender role and were opting to switch when you thought they should stick around and fight … sorta like (if I may paraphrase very loosely with humor), too many people have died on this battlefield so that you can be free to smoke your cigar, dammit, don’t you dare give up now … if this inference is correct, then your discomfort is based in a thought … my well-intentioned suggestion is that one can change the thought and eliminate the discomfort
you say, “to be uncomfortable is an emotional reaction”, not a choice … I somewhat disagree … I grew up in the forties and fifties when prejudice towards non-whites was far more acceptable and widespread than it is today … growing up, I absorbed those attitudes, uncritically … when I reached the age where I could think for myself, I realized my feelings of discomfort (and perhaps stronger) towards these people were totally unacceptable and I gradually eradicated those feelings … thus I know feelings and emotional reactions can be changed; it just takes a lot longer
I disagree that it doesn’t matter what you think … you are a tiny part of society and when you publish your words, you influence others … the ripples continue outward until they become wide enough to rock my boat … it’s a small world; we are all connected …”let peace begin with me”
at any rate, I’m glad I addressed some of your discomfort by mentioning the Benjamin SOC … about your discomfort, of course you can keep it as long as you want … for myself, I would more characterize my response to those few transsexuals who are externally driven as feeling sad and angry that someone would have been made to feel so out of place in this world that they felt their only option was to whack off a body part