Dichroic Reflections

uncurling the hedgehog

Pardon me here while I indulge in a little unlicensed pop-psychology analysis here. Yesterday, someone took me aside to tell me she felt our relationship was strained, and that I had made some comments that she thought were very hostile. I explained carefully that I'd had no such intent and apologized for anything I'd said that had come out sounding offensive, and we parted friends, but I think I need to be more careful of my speech in future. (Whereas her comment was that some comments she made that sounded patronizing were just because "that's the way she works and I just have to realize she doesn't mean to patronize" which doesn't sound quite like a fair trade, but anyway. Anything for a peaceful life.)

Of course, I don't feel that anything I said was nasty at all, but then I would think that, wouldn't I? If she thought I was being hostile, then others could have the same reaction. I want to write down a little analysis of her character here, so I can think out how to talk to her and (potentially in future) others like her. My reading is that this woman is, mostly, fearful. Somehow I think she's worried about not being as good as others - this may have something to do with not having the technical degree other people in her position have, though (as she's explained to me a few times) she has the practical experience to make up for that. I think she's afraid she won't get her fair share, of respect or whatever other good things are to be had. I think this explains a lot of her politics, as well. She supported GWB in the last election, which I know because she went around buttonholing everyone and telling them they ought to vote for him. She doesn't seem to be terribly conservative on most issues, except maybe for immigration, ironically the one place where Bush himself actually seems to have a desire to help the most needy. (She was fairly ticked at him for that.) I think she might be among the group that supported Bush and his ilk out of fear that the liberal elite might get a foothold and laugh at anyone not in their group. (People in this group might say their fear is that a bunch of over-educated book-smart types might gain power and not respect the people who have worked hard for what they have. I sympathize with both the need for respect where it's earned and the need not to be laughed at, but am not quite sure why a government aimed at making the rich richer would help with this, even if they do have down-home accents and attend your church.)

Also, I think her attitudes on a lot of things are a little behind the times; I get a distinct feeling that she feels a bit lessened that I'm married and she's not, though we're about the same age, and that despite working at a high level in a mostly male field, she expects different treatment from a female peer than from a male one.

In short words, I think she's defensive and that I need to be careful not to make her curl up and fan out the quills. In relationships, perceptions are the reality, and if she felt I was offensive, then I was, whether or not I meant to be. I'm very glad that she had the guts to take me aside to talk instead of just fuming, so that we could mend our relationship instead of having it fester, and I want to show my respect for that by still talking to her (more carefully) instead of being the sort of ass who tries to avoid being offensive by just avoiding the offended person entirely.