Dichroic Reflections

not enough, never enough

Yesterday there was a story about cutbacks coming in health services provided to veterans and active duty personnel at the local Air Force Base. Today there was one about the state of Kentucky, which in funding residential drug programs for homeless people is having to cut back on low-income housing for working families, and another on how Medicaid can't pay for the drug benefit voted in two years ago. Meanwhile we've got a budget proposal that will raise the record deficit to a new higher record number. You know, I've been known to binge on spending for my hobby and then cut back elsewhere too, but my hobbies don't involve war and my cutbacks aren't taken out of the hides of people who can't afford them. No, I do not like this budget proposal.

Fortunately, I didn't have a mouthful of water when I heard the President say, "This is the most responsible budget since Reagan was in office." If you're not familiar with what happened to the deficit during the Reagand years, you may want to look here or here to see why it would have been spewed all over my steering wheel. (Note: Since we're currently running a record deficit, you can see that first chart's a few years behind.)

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I wasn't going to write about the budget and the deficit, but my original topic is related, I guess, in that I have a deficit of my own, a bad case of the Never Enoughs. Like a lot of women, I have a bad case of Sisyphus Syndrome. I feel like I'm never putting in enough hours at work or getting done enough while I'm there, like I never understand well enough what I should be doing. I was never training hard enough for rowing, and now I'm never doing enough to keep in shape while I'm just exercising for fitness. Too many meals are instant or srounged because I never do enough real cooking. I never do enough studying for the IFR and because of work scheduling, weather or airplane-related cancelations, I'm never flying enough. I read about all the projects other people finish and feel like I'm never getting enough knitting done. With all of this there's never enough time to spend either with Rudder or by myself. When I do have some spare time, Rudder wants help with the website we're creating or I have to go get the taxes done or my hair cut or take the cats in for their shots. And there are things I'm neglecting entirely, like the replanting we need to do in the back yard. It feels like I just don't do well enough at any of the things I do, and though in some cases those impressions come from my boss or Rudder (not sure about the boss, but I know Rudder isn't meaning to give that impression) mostly it's just from me, because I know what I don't do or what I don't understand. I don't think I'd know good enough if I saw it, but I don't think I ever do see it anyhow. I wonder if anyone does? Posted by dichroic at February 9, 2005 12:41 PM