What is it with women's pants lately? Are they afraid we can't keep them on or
what? I was always satisfied with the way my jeans fastened: pull them up, button
them, zip them, and you're done. Or just fasten three or four buttons, if they're
501s. (I understand men like buttonfly jeans because of fear of getting caught in
the zipper. I just like the way they look.)
But now more and more of
my pants have more and more fastenings. Today's chinos have a zipper, an interior
button and not one but two hook-and-bar closures. The capris I wore Saturday have
a zipper, a snap and a sort of built-in web belt that only shows for a few inches
in front. I've also got a few pair of shorts with both elastic and drawstrings; in
one or two cases these are the sort of tight unpadded bike-type shorts with enough
Lycra to keep them in place during anything short of a concentrated debagging
attempt, so the drawstring is totally superfluous.
I have not figured
out the point. Many of the extra closures don't really show, so it can't just be
style. Perhaps it's meant to slow down the undressing process just so bathroom
breaks are longer, thus promoting sociability in the Ladies' Room? Or as a last-
ditch rape deterrent? I have trouble picturing an attacker stomping off in a huff
just because he couldn't figure out the depantsing process; a Gordian solution
seems far more likely.
All I know is that this trend does have its
inherent risks. I'm OK with remembering an extra hook at the top, and I don't have
too much trouble with interior buttons that possibly meant to help make pants lay
flatter, though that only really works on wrap skirts, or to relive stress on the
primary button. But when the designers get too creative my lamentable recent
absentmindedness is gifted with new avenues to explore. At least two or three
times while wearing the above-mentioned capris, I have snapped, belted, and
totally forgotten to zip.
I need clothes with fewer frills and more
idiot-proofing.