Despite the large quantity of them occurring the past year, I still don't really
believe in death. Well, I do, of course, in an academic sort of way, and I've seen
a body or two (at viewings, I mean -- nothing as dramatic as you were probably
thinking) but I've still never really gotten my mind wrapped around the whole idea
of a person just stopping and not being there any more.
It must be so, I know, because the other alternative is that my grandparents just
haven't wanted to speak to me in a very long time, which is not bloody likely.
I've been given to understand that a concept of one's own mortality is an
inevitable accompaniment to increasing age, which actually makes me feel
hearteningly young -- I don't feel my own mortality, therefore it must not be
close. Not that I haven't acquired a few more creaks and crochets over the years,
but they don't actually feel like they're leading to any drastic changes.
That's the best argument I can think of for some sort of afterlife: the human
mind's (my human mind's) inability to comprehend its own end. I mean, if we had
planned obsolescence wired into the machinery, you'd think the whole idea would
seem a little more possible. Or is it that we're just unable to get on with our
lives unless we believe they're endless, and so the surviving fittest were also
the most uncomprehending?
And how much does belief affect the workings of the world? If a child who doesn't
believe in death dies, what happens to their -- I need a word here. Soul? Essence?
I mean the self-awareness, everything non-corporeal that's comprehended when I
think "me". What happens to their me-ness? Is it different from what happens to an
old person who is ready for death? No wonder there are legends of ghosts and
spirits, heavens and wheels of rebirth. How else could we stand such an imminent
and awesome idea?
(And did you know that "imminent" and "immanent" are two completely different
words? I just found that out while looking up the spelling. The other reason I
Have trouble thinking about death is that I'm easily distracted from anything so
permanent.)
I have no idea why I was thinking about all this today. I
hope it's not a harbinger. Maybe it's a sign of putting all of last years little
and big deaths and finalities behind me.