This morning I was lost in thought/ as 'cross the lake I
ambled...
[Scratch that, start over.]
This morning, I
was out alone on the lake in my little shell just after sunrise, a time when the
clarity of the reflections on the lake give rise to another sort of reflection
within.
[A little overwrought perhaps, but I've been reading Sir
Walter Scott, so my readers will have to pardon me.]
A day or so
before Christmas, the San Francisco news did a feature on a former dot-com CEO,
now homeless. I was rowing fairly lightly this morning, a state conducive to
thought, and began wondering whether a similar thing could happen to me. I
pictured my unemployment stretching on indefinitely, leading to some mental
unbalance or depression (I do have some bipolar depression in my family). As the
months stretched on, my savings would run out, I would grow dispirited and cease
applying for jobs, jobs would be harder and harder to get even when I did look for
them, and Rudder would eventually give up on me, in sheer frustration. I would end
up on welfare, grow coarse and unable to prod myself into action, and would sink
into a base and useless state, without the demands of spouse, children, or job to
spur me to activity.
Then I had a bit of an epiphany, a sort of
Scarlett O'Hara moment. I can't say that "As God is my witness, I'll never be
unemployed again," because I won't make promises I can't keep, even to myself. But
I can say that I will never let myself go that far. My Dad has survived much
longer periods of unemployment, and what he can do, I can do. I'm lucky enough and
determined enough to have many more external and internal resources than Dad; it
occurred to me that in similar circumstances, he wouldn't have even been out in a
boat on the lake because I don't remember his ever doing anything extracurricular
requiring skill, patience, and diligence. He would certainly not have even briefly
considered going back to school, especially since he doesn't have the background
to embark on a graduate degree. (To give Dad his due, it also occurred to me that
a major focus of his life and work had been to provide exactly those resources for
his children. I can take only partial credit for the situation I'm in, the rest
going to parents, professors, Rudder, friends, and sheer luck.)
And
so I'm off, to send in a few more job applications. I'll get past this.