Can't sleep. Sucks. Fuck.
Also, I'm pissed again over the fact that
Rudder is making vast amounts of money and I'm trying to focus on thinking poor,
since I'm living off my savings and my unemployment only lasts another couple of
months. It's like having two standards of living in one house. I mean, we eat the
same food and sleep on the same sheets, but I'm trying to think about every dollar
I spend and he can buy whatever he wants. Actually, he does think about every
dollar he spends, but only because he's like that anyway -- he saves and saves and
saves and then buys something big, instead of pissing it away as I tend to. But it
sucks anyway. And my share of our food, roof, and other necessities is coming out
of my savings account.
It hasn't escaped my notice that my moods
seem to be affected more by hormones lately than they ever used to, so it's
entirely possible I'm pissed only because of those annoying little lunar-cycling
chemicals. After all, this is the deal I signed up for when we got married; it's
not like he's changed anything on me. But it sucks even more that I can't feel
self-righteous about being pissed off; instead I have to wonder if I'm just being
all menstrual and unreasonable. Goddammit, if I'm mad, I want to at least feel
good about it. I hate having to second-guess my emotions, always probing to see if
they're valid.
This sucks. Life sucks. Unemployment sucks. Rudder
sucks. And he's sound asleep, which makes him suck even more. Can you tell it's
way past my bedtime? Now I know why babies cry when they wake up in the middle of
the night. It's because when you can't sleep and you don't have control of your
life, everything sucks. And they don't know the words for it, so they cry
instead.
I'll show them, the nameless 'them' that are behind
everything wrong and evil. I'll sleep in tomorrow and completely skip working out.
That'll show them. I'll have my revenge yet. Or at least I'll be asleep and won't
notice if anything sucks.