And it's morning, and of course I'm feeling better. One problem with keeping an
online diary is that writing down your bad moods somehow dignifies them: passing
blues can sound like the onset of major depression. On the one hand, obviously I'm
not happy about the fact that I'm not earning any money, and it's true that I've
not entirely thrilled about the way we manage our money. And the very nice notes
from Mechaieh and
href="http://caerula.diaryland.com">Caerula cheered me up quite a lot. It's
just that I hate to think of them worried enough to write to me about it when it
really was mostly a case of can't-sleep-grumpiness.
Anyway, the thing
about the money is that it's really just a side-effect of one of the things I
treasure most about our marriage. Rudder actually sees me as a person. Not an
appendage, or a different species, or a child, or something called a 'wife' that
every (hetero) man is supposed to have, but a partner. He expects as much from me
as he would from anyone with whom he had set up a partnership. As a result, we
really donŐt fit most of the usual marital stereotypes well. I tell people getting
married that marriage doesn't have to be what other people think it is; each one
can be shaped to fit the people in it and to hell with the rest of the world's
expectations. I honestly believe in that, and most of the time I live and want to
live by it.
Sometimes, though, it's a lot like when I was a little
Jewish kid, celebrating Chanukah but seeing all the malls decorated for Christmas,
watching Frosty and Rudolf and Charlie Brown with his scraggly little tree, and
singing carols in school. Sometimes the rest of the world's expectations grow
overwhelming and it's hard to stop thinking, "Wait. They say that's my birthright.
Why don't I have that?" even though you might have something much better instead.
I've been rereading the latter half of the Betsy-Tacy series and I get a bit
wistful when Jo proposes and tells Betsy how he wants to support and take care of
her. Ditto when I hear that T2 just bought Egret a new car -- and they're not even
married yet.
Also, Rudder has no iota of inclination toward a
romantic frame of mind. He last bought me flowers maybe eight years ago. He
doesn't know how to think of sweet nothings, though he might be willing to say
them if he could. He doesn't throw surprise parties for my birthdays, or bring me
gifts when it's not my birthday, or whisk me off for romantic weekend trips. Our
weekend trips are to regattas. On the other hand, last year my Christmas gift was
a pair of oars, painted with the Arizona flag and sized just for me. It took him
hours and hours and was the sort of thing that was perfect for me and no one else
in the world. And last night, when I got done injecting the turkeys, he came in
without being asked and took over the cleanup -- not an easy task, since pureeing
and injecting that mix of onions, garlic, broth, and seasoning tends to slop over,
spray out, and generally get all over everything. His kind gestures are practical,
not romantic, but probably take more effort exactly because of
that.
So keeping our money separate is one factor of our equal
partnership and it also prevents a lot of fighting, since Rudder is much more
careful with money than I am. And when we make roughly equal amounts, or close
enough that it can be adjusted by having one of us put a little more in our joint
savings, I'm ok with that. It's rough right now while I'm not making anything, but
we haven't adjusted our methods in the belief this is a temporary state. (Please
God.) He's paid for all the traveling we've been doing, will probably pay for some
end of year one-time expenses like joining the other rowing club, and has said
he'll help out whenever I ask. I just know it's my part of the deal not to ask
unless it's something I really need.