Big argument with Rudder last night, yelling, tears, the whole bit. No real
disagreements, just misunderstandings on both sides and maybe some lingering
resentments that mostly seem to stem from the fact the I'm very verbal and he's
very not. That means that what he needs to feel appreciated and what I do
are very different, and it ticks me off that he just does things for me that he
would like, rather than things he thinks I would like. I mean, what's the point,
otherwise? you're not going to make the other person happy so why even make an
extra effort. It annoys me most because we've had this discussion before so many
times over the last decade. Sometimes it seems he just wants me to turn into a
little him, which I have absolutely no interest in doing.
Of course,
I'm at fault also, for misunderstanding some of what he says, and the occasional
whining, and this and that and the other thing. His complaints aren't nearly as
valid as mine of course. Not that I'm biased or anything. Of course.
The odd thing was that my major reaction last night was to want to go write all of
this up -- I kept finding myself turning phrases in my head. But I didn't want to
write it here, because people I know read this and I don't want to give anyone the
wrong impression. Said wrong impression being that Rudder and our relationship
aren't extraordinarily good, in general, because they are. Or are they? Sometimes
I wonder how much of this is in my head, whether I'm giving him credit for
understanding and qualities I only imagine. On the other hand, since perception of
a relationship is entirely subjective, I'd prefer to keep my illusions
intact.
I did think it was odd to find myself so strongly wanting to
write it all out. (I didn't, because it was after the time I should have been
asleep, as our fights always seem to be.) That must all be due to the daily
exercise of writing in here, because it hasn't always been my first
reaction.
Anyway, looking at the above it's apparent I'm still not
quite over last night, even though we made up before we went to sleep, so please
take the first three paragraphs of this entry with a large grain of salt. Maybe
I'm hormonal or something.
In the rowing news, today's practice was
long pieces, 2x30 minutes at half pressure. Oddly, YSam had T2 and Rudder doing a
completely different workout, even though Monday's supposed to be distance day for
them as well. I'm thinking of dropping out for a month or so and just showing up
at the same time to row my single. I'm not convinced the rowing program is really
doing what I want; I don't respond well to autocracy and I'm not sure if I want to
train as hard as we have been, unless I have a particular race to train
for.